A sharp pain pulses in my left arm. Could this be it? Is this what it feels like? My heartbeat jumps here and there, and I have trouble breathing let alone thinking rational thoughts. I am on fire with rage. Angry because I knew this would happen again, but kept fighting my intuition. Angry because I hoped he wouldn’t be so weak, stronger than I would be, in any case. And angry because I can’t manage to control these feelings. I don’t want that darkness to live inside of me. I’m better, tougher than that. And the lies. Why can’t you just tell the truth? Haven’t we been through enough that you should be able to be honest by now? Honest with me, honest with yourself? But no. The powerful odor of booze and cigarettes wafted through the door as he stumbled inside, just after he banged around in an attempt to open the door, looking for his keys he should have remembered he lost yesterday. I know the sadness will arrive soon. But how long will this anger hold on, and what more damage can it do to my body that it hasn’t already, until I am no longer standing? The anxiety has taken over, settled into a comfortable space, and doesn’t want to live. Habit. Do I embrace it? Have a beer with it? Thank it for its lessons and go to bed hoping it will get bored and leave? Do I douse it with antacids and herbal remedies in the attempt of drowning it to death? Do I escape in a hot air balloon leaving it, him, everything all behind with the hope that once I flee everything in my life, it will be so much better?
I know that it’s not only him, but his issues piled on top of mine don’t help. I didn’t need this. Not now, not as I’m trying to claw my way back to the surface from deep in my own self-made bomb shelter. It’s as if someone said, “yes, take my hand, I’ve got you, and with the other shoveled more debris into the already much-too-narrow window. Now my eyes and lungs are full of soot, though for some reason I am still holding on. Maybe this time will be different. He can’t possibly be in control of manifesting all that soot.
As I try to regain my breath, I vow to get through this weighty past and now present, not to allow anyone or anything to get in my way. This is my cocoon time and I must get through all of this to reemerge as the butterfly I am meant to be. My intuition is always good. I always know, yet find difficulty in listening. Sometimes I would just rather be wrong. But it often overwhelms me.
A little over six years ago, I knew. The changes were coming faster than I could comprehend, but I knew something big was about to happen, a massive change, and I knew I wasn’t ready for it, even though I could hear the universe crying to me to release it all, so I could gain strength. It was indeed a big change. A big, bad change. And I’m still having problems letting go, believing it really happened, living with the loss. As I dug through caked-on memories within box after box, the tears streamed faster and heavier. This life, this past that I was holding onto so deeply slipped like sand through my fingertips.
Once again, I find myself scanning and tossing, and trying to part ways with a past that does me no good, but is so damned hard to let go of. It’s me. It’s where I’m from. It’s who I am. But if I don’t let it all go, I will have to keep living there instead of moving on and discovering what I need to become. But it’s hard. It’s painful. It’s as if someone is ripping pieces of my skin, permanent Band-Aids from my body. And sometimes it’s just too much. I think, ” oh maybe it’s not so bad living in the past, holding on to what was. Why go through all this pain?” Yet, even through this torturous process, somehow I know that it will be so much better on the other side, if I make it through. I know that.
Yesterday, I bawled my eyes out once more because again I feel this change coming. This time it’s different, but something is happening, something big, and I have been given a second chance to listen to the calls, to prepare myself, though they’re still not telling me what for exactly. I’m being led blindly through this haunted house, ghouls to the right of me, slithery creatures to the left.
Then last night, I read my horoscope:
Something is wrong.
During this time you will make many adjustments in your life, separating yourself from persons or circumstances that are doing you no good. You will change many standards of behavior and morality that you realize are inappropriate and generally realign your conception of duty and responsibility more in accordance with reality. In the process you may experience a considerable amount of tension, and for a time you may be confused, not quite knowing whether to go backward or forward, to expand or cut back.
Probably you would be well advised to go off by yourself for a while, because other people’s advice will be of little value, unless you select your advisors with great care. The challenge here is to increase and go forward in some areas but to cut back in others. You will not be able to keep everything going, no matter how much you want to. Unfortunately there is no way of telling in advance which areas of your life will be affected.
Under this influence there is often a strong feeling of restlessness and uncertainty. You know clearly that something is wrong, but you are not sure what it is. The best way to deal with this is not to be in a hurry. Usually you will have all the time you need to make a decision based on careful observation of the facts, so don’t rush.
… In general you should take any opportunity that comes along now to broaden your scope and release yourself from limitations that have held you back. The trick is to do this in a way that is not destructively disruptive.
So what now? It’s a few minutes before 4am. I can’t sleep. And if I do, it’s intermittent and full of anxious dreams. So I will get up. I will stretch and breathe. I will put the coffee on. I will go outside to find the Blood Moon and bid it good morning. I will search for wood and build a fire. I will make my thoughts known to the universe, asking for her blessing and strength. I will toss letters, bills, cards, painful memories into the fire and let go. I will thank the universe for her time. I will go back to bed and wake up in time for yoga. And I will move down a new path. This is what I’m being called to do. This time I will listen.